The Truth about Harry Potter, as told by Snape
by Anabelle
Summary: Severus Snape tells the truth about Harry Potter and how all of the amazing things that happened to him were fakes and that Harry Potter is in fact a *gasp* FAKE!


The Truth about Harry Potter ~By Severus Snape  
  
All this "Harry Potter is a hero" junk is pathetic. He is not a hero! All of his "amazing deeds" were just coincidences. Harry Potter is not special he's just lucky! And I, Severus Snape, will now tell you the real story!  
  
I want to go way back when he was a baby, when his parents were still alive. Lily and James see Voldemort coming up the driveway and not wiping his feet as he comes in. Skipping the gore, Voldemort is now pointing his wand at Harry, ready to kill. Now Harry is a very vain boy, and he couldn't care less that he was about to die, the stupid boy! So he grabbed a near by frying pan and held it up to his face to view his hideous green eyes. I think you can guess what happened next. The curse bounces off the frying pan and hits Voldemort. So now you're wondering, "but Severus, how did he get his scar"? I said it before and I'll say it again, the boy is very stupid and he hit himself on the head with the frying pan, and it left the lightning mark.  
  
Skipping ahead to this whole "vanishing glass" thing, while Harry is at the Reptile house. The glass did not vanish; it's called broken glass! The stupid boy wanted to steel the poor snake! Harry had grown pretty strong while living with his aunt and uncle so he broke it easily. The snake got free, and the rest is history!  
  
Fast forward, fast forward, STOP! Harry is now getting his wand at Ollivanders. As the story goes, he gets the brother wand to Voldemort's, but earlier that day, the brat had broke in and put all of the wands out of order. Mr. Ollivander thought he gave Harry the brother wand, but really he got a completely different one!  
  
While Harry is getting sorted, the hat says "you could be great in slytherin…" blah blah, but really, previously he had made an arrangement with the hat to say all of that, to make him self seem even more mysterious. He figured, everyone thinks I stopped Voldemort, and that I have his brother wand, might as well keep going with the suspense. Stupid boy! Shortly after, his scar begins to hurt when he looks at my beautiful face. It's a little bit obvious why! His eyes do not deserve to look upon the smooth texture that is Severus Snape!  
  
  
  
Now here comes my favorite part! I get to yell at him during class, and whisper in his ear, "I know what you faked last summer!" and then some how people get the wrong image of me! They think I'm a mean, greasy man! And I am proud to say that I clean my hair with Herbal Essences every day! I've got the urge to herbal! Besides, he deserves it! He's the one who is deceiving all of you!  
  
  
  
Harry Potter is the best Quidditch player of all time, right? False! That's a stunt double you see up there! The real Harry Potter could never pull some of those tricks off! And here he his being all spoiled, getting a Nimbus 2000, and a Firebolt, when he doesn't even know how to fly! Excuse me for a second; I have the urge to Herbal.  
  
  
  
I'm back! There's no better way to get you mind off of frauds than having a quick shower! Skipping the adventure with fluffy (which was really a dachshund) and the troll (can you say stunt double?) we are now in the Forbidden Forest. The subtle creature that approached him was not a fraud, but when his scar hurt, that was because he had hit it on a branch! Whose head wouldn't hurt if that happened to them?  
  
Down, through the trap door! Hermione really did end up saving them from the Devil's Snare, but in the next room (you know, with the flying keys), Harry had previously stolen all the castle's keys from Filch, which just so happened to include a spare to the next chamber. Ron did do most of the work for the chess game, but it was Harry's fault he got hit in the end. He had disobeyed Ron's order, which would have won the game without a broken up Ron. Hermione once again did all the work in the next chamber, but her work was not helped when Harry spilled half of the drinks, and so only one was able to go on. Hermione, who was frustrated with Harry, left him to face Voldemort and she left. Finally, when Harry got to Voldemort he escaped coincidentally, once again. The vain boy looked into the mirror, just so he could look at him self. Harry is also very greedy, so when he saw himself getting the rock (which looked expensive to Harry) he was only doing it so he could keep it and make a fortune. Once again I hear the question "but why did his scar hurt?" Harry was beginning to think that just because we was famous, he was invincible, so he tried to head-butt Voldemort, for trying to take his "precious" (oops, wrong book). As for how he burned Quirrel to a crisp, "burned" wouldn't be the right word since he really melted him. Harry was getting very thirsty, so he took out his reliable water bottle and took a drink. The clumsy fool accidentally spilled it and soon Quirrel was screaming, "I'm melting!" It turned out; Quirrel was related to the wicked-witch of the west!  
  
  
  
Blah, blah, blah and the story ends. So now you know the real story. Tell all of your friends and enemies the truth about Harry Potter! There is still one last question un-known by many. How do I know all this information on Harry? I stalk him! I have cameras all over the world, seeing what he'll fake next! And so ends the truth about Harry Potter, in his first year at least! 


End file.
